By James H. Lilley
Joining the ranks within the profession of law
enforcement, whether on the local, state, or
federal level is honorable and courageous. Men
and women across the nation are taking their
oath of office, swearing “to protect and to
serve,” proudly pinning on their new badges,
strapping on their gunbelts, and stepping out
into a different world. There’s a certain
excitement that goes with that very first day
when you walk out the door of your station
house, and become a part of the war on crime.
Beware the dangers: Just about a step and a
half on the other side of the sanity you hold
dear, is a dark side. Like a steel-jawed trap,
it lies in wait for the unsuspecting—the
unprepared, and if you aren’t careful, it can
rip the life out of you. The dark side can
change your life in the blink of an eye, or
over time, depending on the strength of its
grip, and your vulnerability to it. You can
change to the point where friends don’t know
you any more, and to your own family you become
a stranger. A husband or wife might wonder what
happened to that person they married, while
your children ask who you are. There are some
that spiral down into the deepest recesses of
the dark side, and when their entire world
suddenly seems hopeless, they “eat their gun.”
Now, those left dazed and alone, without a
husband and father, or wife and mother, try to
find the answers to “What went wrong?” or
“Why?”
Maybe there’s a genuine confusion that mixes reality
with fantasy. Police shows have swept across
the country for decades, and it seems that
people can’t get enough of the shoot ’em up,
chase ’em down spectacles that flash across the
screen. From the very old days of Dragnet and
Jack Webb’s, Sergeant Joe Friday, to last
night’s CSI and William Petersen’s, Gil
Grissom, we are fed almost daily doses of
“Police life.” The problem is, far too many
people can’t separate the fictional from the
genuine world of those who risk their lives day
after day, doing the job. And, some of those
confusing the issues might very well be the
same ones rushing to find a job enforcing the
law. The real world was becoming lost, when the
police shows of the early 70s, with their rock
music introductions, and drum thumping car
chases, infiltrated our living rooms. Steve
Forrest, and his gang from S.W.A.T., roared
around town in a big black van, shooting bad
guys and saving the day, and never wrote a
single police report. Today, with CSI,
everybody believes a DNA test is concluded in
only five minutes or so. Well, in the real
world of law enforcement, it can take months
before the results of a DNA test come back.
Other shows depict the suspects being beaten
with fists, knees, and telephone books in the
interview rooms to extract a confession. That
might make for a good television, or movie
theme, but if it happened in the actual police
world, the officers or detectives responsible
would be facing criminal, as well as internal
charges. Howard County State’s Attorney Tim
McCrone, is disturbed with the screen dramas
that continually have police beating a
confession out of a suspect. “This is far from
the truth, but I’m afraid we have jurors who
think this is the way officers obtain
confessions,” he said. “Certainly any
confession obtained by these methods would be
inadmissible in court.” Yet, there are those
who believe CSI, Law and Order SVU, Numbers,
Criminal Minds, and the dozens of other shows
are absolutely true. Indeed, some of these
shows go above and beyond showing the plight of
the many victims, but we still have to separate
fact from fantasy.
The true-life world of policing has a certain air of
ugliness attached to it. Always has, but not
many people see it. Maybe this is why so many
law enforcement officers are taking their own
lives. A recent report on AOL News showed an
alarming figure of 450 law enforcement suicides
in each of the last three years. That’s a
staggering number when you think that on the
average for the same time period, 150 officers
were killed in the line of duty. Think about
it—more officers are taking their own lives
than are being killed by suspects they
encounter. Why? Someone pointed out that
“police bear the
same stress from work, family, and illness that
civilians do.” That statement is an absolute
falsehood. The stress level in law enforcement
far exceeds anything in the civilian world.
Police officers and federal agents, struggling in the
war on crime, find themselves facing real guns
with very real bullets. They walk around, and
through the stench of death, and bloody mess it
so often leaves behind. The smell of death
saturates their uniforms and clothing,
providing them with a reminder for hours on end
of where they’ve just been. They spend hours
with broken, mangled bodies, while loved ones
or friends of the victim scream at them to do
something to find the killer. They can kiss
their wife goodbye, and an hour later they can
be looking over the aftermath of a head-on
collision, trying to figure out what body parts
belong to which passenger. They can kiss their
children goodnight, and minutes later find
themselves staring at the corpse of a child who
was just molested and murdered. Crimes
involving children have always hit law
enforcement officers hardest, and some are
effected so deeply they end up taking their own
lives over the horror they saw. Some officers
work full time with cases involving children. I
strongly doubt that I could’ve worked cases
with child victims. I don’t think that I would
have gone a week without killing a suspect.
When police officers leave the blood, gore and
mayhem, they can sit down at a desk for
countless hours, and write the required
reports. That way they can relive all of those
details they’d just as soon forget. When they
go home and fall asleep, they’ll probably get
to recall it all again in one of the endless
nightmares that are sure to come. Nightmares go
hand in hand with a career in law enforcement,
and every street cop will have more than his or
her share of them. It’s almost as though the
nightmares were a part of your standard issue,
and you signed for them the same as you did
your badge and gun. Those hideous dreams won’t
go away when you leave the job either. In time,
however, they just won’t show up as frequently.
But, don’t let that lull you into a false sense
of security. When you least expect it, one will
knock at your dream door, and dump all of that
blood and horror you thought you’d finally left
behind, right there on the pillow beside you.
Law enforcement officers don’t walk around in suits
that cost thousands of dollars and rub elbows
with the corporate elite. But, they will get to
share lots of their time with pimps, hookers,
drug dealers, and drug addicts. They won’t be
invited to State Dinners, and banquets attended
by movie stars, and sports heroes, where seven
course meals are served. Instead, they’ll try
and swallow a cold slice of pizza, or what was
at one time a hot pastrami sandwich, while they
sit in some godforsaken place, watching the
back door of a construction company. People
won’t rush over and beg for their autograph,
but they’ll find some that are only too happy
to spit in their face. While corporate
executives, the self-made millionaires, and
others in the normal business world gather
around with their family for Christmas dinner,
the police officer might be responding to their
very first call of his or her shift. When that
same executive is reaching for another slice of
pie, the police officer could be asking a
drunken man why he stuck a butcher knife
through his wife’s heart, and left her beside
the Christmas tree. At the same time, other
officers are trying to take three or four
kicking and screaming children, who are covered
in their mother’s blood, from the house. And
somebody really thinks the stress levels for
police officers and civilians are the same.
Still, we’ve only scratched the surface of the stress
thousands of officers, and agents deal with
every day of their lives. Some work two jobs to
try and make ends meet, because their police
salary is too meager. The pay scale has
improved for some police agencies, but not all
of them. Many will have to work swing shifts,
and the constant rotation of schedule can take
its toll physically, and emotionally. After
working all night,
they could find themselves headed to court for
traffic or criminal cases. A few hours in
court, a couple hours of sleep, and they’re
back at work. Oh, and what happened to their
family life? Maybe they are becoming that
stranger who stops by to say hello from time to
time. How much time can a husband share with
his wife and children? What about holidays—like
Christmas, will he or she have to work all of
them? How many officers can expect to have
weekends off? And mother’s wearing the badge
and gun, are they seeing their children as
often as they want? How much quality time are
they having for their children? Do they have
enough time to tell them how much they love
them? Are their children pleading with them to
stay home, and spend more time with them? How
many begin to feel guilty because of the time
they’ve lost with loved ones? Do you think any
of them might be trying to drown their guilt in
alcohol? You don’t think they’d pop a pill to
help them feel better, do you? Will they come
home from work one day and have their spouse
say, “We need to talk?” Then the bomb drops, “I
can’t take this any more. I want a divorce.”
Then again they could just say, “Pack your
bags, I want you out of here.” Or, maybe like
some police officers, they come home and find
their house is empty—everything in the house is
gone, right down to the very last piece of
furniture, rug, lamp, and even the dog. Believe
it or not, some of them didn’t even see it
coming. Standing alone in their empty house,
they try to understand what’s just happened to
them, and the life that seemed great only hours
ago when they left for work. Where do they go
from here? Who do they turn to for help? Will
they hold it together, or fall apart? Will they
take the final plunge, and eat their gun?
The internal workings of an agency can up the stress
level as well. From small departments to large,
there’s always somebody who is looking to rise
to the top, and by whatever means necessary.
They don’t care about the games they have to
play, be it politics, keeping the rumor mill
rolling, or the quick knife in the back of
another officer, or agent they see as a threat
to their success. Some act in liaison with
others, and they form a clique, knowing they
can ride certain coattails to the top of the
ladder. Yet, when they reach the top, they can
suddenly forget those who helped them reach
their pinnacle of achievement. It’s amazing how
fast they can slam that door behind them, and
right in the faces of those they had promised
to help. And don’t be surprised if you find
there’s a double standard within the ranks.
Rules that strictly apply to most of the rank
and file are overlooked, or completely
forgotten when it comes to applying those rules
to “one of the good ole boys.” And it might
shock you to find what some people can get away
with. The internal operations of an agency can
often times cause more stress on its officers
than everyday duties. I’ve heard officers say,
“I’d rather deal with a suspect than a lot of
guys in the department. At least I know what to
expect from a suspect.”
Promotional processes are not always fair, and when
politics enters the game, even the most
unqualified can be promoted. Internal and
external pressures have caused test scores to
be changed, so a favored son or daughter, who
didn’t do well on the exam, can suddenly have a
passing grade. New positions are often created
for them, because they are too incompetent to
function in a supervisory capacity on the front
lines. And, some favoritism is so blatant, it
screams to everyone eligible for promotion,
that they don’t stand a chance for advancement.
Case in point: A man is directed to put
together the written examination for the rank
of sergeant. He compiles the test questions and
takes the test along with everyone else on the
eligibility list. And wouldn’t you know it, he
got a perfect score and was promoted. This is a
typical example of how morale is destroyed
within an agency, and implants a cynical
attitude within the ranks. It adds up to just
one more stress factor in the lives of the men
and women who are trying to protect and serve.
There are Chiefs of Police who are making
commendable efforts to correct the problems
dumped in their laps by their predecessors. It
won’t be easy to improve the internal image of
a department that’s suffered from “good ole
boy” syndrome or the
double standard game. But, those problems can
be fixed, and a sense of fair play can go a
long way toward improving morale, and reducing
at least one stress element facing its
officers.
When everything is considered—the horrors of the job
itself, the pressure placed on the entire
family to adjust to a law officer’s life, the
working hours, the salary, and the internal
tension faced by many—the stress faced by law
enforcement officers, far exceeds that in the
civilian world.
Police agencies across the country are becoming more
aware of these issues, and working diligently
to institute programs to assist their officers.
Many agencies already have crisis intervention
teams to assist officers, and their families
through troubled times,
but there’s still a very long way to go. The
California Highway Patrol, for example,
faced a major crisis when eight of its troopers
took their lives in a period of eight months.
Of course, it isn’t always easy to get some
officers to admit they have a problem, or are
in need of help. Many who are asked if they are
experiencing problems with drinking to marital
issues, deny it. This stems in part, because of
the image of the job, and its inference of
strength and control. Then too, there was the
long time theory that police officers weren’t
supposed to show emotion, or let the job beat
them down. In recent years that theory has been
pushed aside. Still, many are afraid to ask for
help, because they think it’s a sign of
weakness.
Some friends have asked if any of the problems facing
modern day police officers were created, at
least in part, by the early police dramas. I
can’t give a definitive answer to that
question, but let’s face it; there was an over
abundance of Macho cops running across the
screen every week. It wasn’t until the early
80s, and the arrival of Hill Street Blues, that
we started to see some actual vulnerability in
our TV police officers. Now, we see them in
counseling and working to fight their demons.
It’s not easy being on the front lines and dealing with
these issues. Unfortunately, I knew a police
officer who took his own life, and I knew him
quite well. I met him when he was a cadet
assigned to my squad in the radio room. He was
a good kid, and I doubt that he’d ever been in
trouble a day in his life. He’d often run with
me after work while preparing to enter the
police academy. He was on the fast track to do
well after he graduated from the academy, and
soon found himself in the Criminal
Investigations Bureau. I didn’t know he was
having problems, and I’m not sure if any of his
coworkers were aware that he’d been drinking
more, and involved in some domestic issues. On
a Thursday afternoon he asked me if I had time
to come down to the weight room and teach him a
few new exercises to work his arm muscles. I
spent about 15 minutes with him in the weight
room and an hour or so later he stopped by and
thanked me. Around 4:30 Sunday morning I
received a call telling me that he’d killed
himself. I was stunned, but I believe his death
rocked the entire department from the top down.
And his death wasn’t something everybody got
over in a week or two.
Over the years, I’ve dealt with at least a half dozen
officers who were on the brink, facing personal
disaster. I admit to having more than a few
sleepless nights wondering if I’d made the
right decision, or gave the correct advice
while talking with them. Although one kept me
on the edge for weeks. I saw his problem from
the very beginning, when he began hanging
around with a newer cop who already had a bad
attitude. It wasn’t long before the drinking
took over, and soon his attitude went down the
drain, along with his marriage. Everything he
did and said told me he was suicidal, but what
worried me even more was the growing feeling
that if he snapped he wasn’t going out of this
world alone. I was afraid he’d kill his wife
and children before killing himself. There were
a lot of very hard decisions I made over the
course of two or three weeks, but I thank God
they were the right ones. In the end he left
the job, dove head first into the booze, his
marriage finally fell apart for good, and he
didn’t live to see his 50th birthday. As for
everybody else, they turned out fine.
I sometimes joked that in police work you walked a fine
line between sanity and madness. Yet, that
statement might hold more truth than fiction.
We have to deal with the good, the bad, the
heartbreak, and death. Most police officers
will see enough of that to last several life
times. Still, when I hung up the badge and gun
I said, “If I could turn back the hands of time
and start all over tomorrow morning, I’d gladly
do it all again, without question.”
About the Author
James
H. Lilley was selected as the 2008 Police-Writers.com Author of the Year. The
author of the year selection was based in part on writing ability and in part on career and community service.
James
H. Lilley began his lifetime as a United States Marine in 1961. Shortly after
his discharge, he joined the Howard County Police Department (Maryland), graduating first in his class. During his career his received numerous honors such as Medal of Valor, four Bronze Stars, four Unit Citations
and the Governor’s Citation. James
H. Lilley has published six novels, articles in Police Chief Magazine and authored an International Association of Chiefs
of Police training key. Moreover, he began studying Martial Arts in the early
1960s and is a 8th Degree Black Belt in Shorin Ryu Karate; the first American to achieve this recognition and honor
from Sensei Takeshi Miyagi.
James
Lilley submitted as an example of his work The
Eyes of the Hunter (PublishAmerica 1997). One of the Police-Writers.com
judges said of James’ writing, “He is a mature writer with strong plot, character and story development.” Another judge said, “easy to read, and it was very good escapism. The
writer has some absolutely beautiful passages wherein he describes a sound or a vista.
The sex scenes are pretty hot, too.”
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